Kevin's group I am the most handsome, smartest boy in the school. I treated the school as my own and I ruled the school. Girls would die for my sake and guys worship me like a god. Teachers praise me for my excellent work. Well I had always led a perfect life until one day…
My revised version I was (tenses inconsistent) the most handsome, smartest boy in school. (for some reason, this sentence bothers me..)I treated the school as my own and it was as if I ruled the school. Girls would die for my sake and guys, they worshipped (Tenses) me like a god. Teachers praised (Tenses) me for my excellent work. Well, I had always led a perfect life until one day...
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Great beginning: 'Ask a question' approach
When you use this method, you need to make sure that from the questions you posed, readers are able to guess what your essay is about. at least a hint of whats goin to be discussed, the theme or a clue to your storyline. Lets see the examples.
Sheng Kok's Group Does everyone have children? Well, not really but children are often considered an eyesore to their parents. However, to people who are unable to bear children, will they have the same mindset too?
---> Im not sure what the intro is about. Is it about having or not having children? or is it about children being an eyesore? Plus, when you mentioned 'children are often considered eyesore to their parents', im curious to know where you get this fact from.. To me, this sounds like a beginning of an expository essay which you have not learnt.. To make it slanted towards the narrative text type, you need to make sure you give a clue to the readers.. Use your questions to ease your readers into your plot.
Lets look at Alcalvie's introduction as comparison
Are you a fan of the club Manchester United, Chelsea or Liverpool? Or perhaps an ardent supporter of Brazil or Argentina? Have you experienced waking up and staying awake in the wee hours of the morning, trying to catch your favourite club or country in action? Well I have. I was such a fan of this beautiful game called soccer that I had even gone to the extent of skipping meals in school just to save up money to buy the latest soccer jerseys and tickets to watch live games. However, it was that one fateful match that I attended, that changed my mind about the beauty of this game.
Okay, people from 1respect, you'll surely know that I have edited Al's intro. Well, what can I say! It has potential. :)
So people, lets compare these two paragraphs. You can see that Al's introduction also has questions for the readers. He asked and he gives his personal answer. Then to make it interesting and to hint to the reader what his essay is about, he says, towards the end, that he attended a match that changed his mind about the game of soccer. So here we wonder, what could have happened that made Al changed his mind... It must be something serious because as Al described, he was quite a big fan (as u know introduction = orientation, and he introduces himself as a fan of a football club, staying awake to catch games, skipping lunch etc etc). So this way, Al can begin his narrative quite easily. And the introduction works for him.
Remember, you are writing a NARRATIVE. dont forget your structure. I need to see your ORIENTATION, SEQUENCE OF EVENTS (what happened and what caused what and so forth), COMPLICATIONS, CLIMAX, RESOLUTION.
