Jarett's: Handsome. Brave. Caring. These words would come to Bella’s mind whenever she thought of her beloved boyfriend Edward Cullen. He was one of the very extremely rare males who had very astonishing looks and dexterity and he was the perfect bachelor women could ever hope to find. His fair skin, so fair that it almost glistened in the sunlight, and a nose that was so sharp that it looked like a knife, and a hazel-brown coloured hair made him perfect in terms of looks.
Mine: Handsome. Brave. Caring. These words would come to Bella’s mind whenever she thought of her beloved boyfriend Edward Cullen. He was one of the very extremely rare males who had very astonishing good looks and dexterity and he was the perfect bachelor women could ever hope to find. His fair skin was so fair that it almost glistened in the sunlight. His nose was so sharp that it looked like a knife. His hair, a hazel brown, made his appearance perfect.
Pts to note: Try to make your sentences less complicated by cutting them short. It becomes easier to read and increases the clarity of your expressions. And also, NO COMMA BEFORE 'AND'!!
______________ Wesley's group Topic/Theme: Meeting Bella for the first time/ Using descriptive segment
Their version:
Bella walked briskly into the noisy biology class, the teacher warmly greeted her “Bella, the new student? Ok then sit there next to Edward.” His finger pointed to the only empty seat in the class which so happened to be next to the handsomely mysterious, dashing guy-Edward Cullen. Bella unwillingly took small feeble steps to the mysterious Edward Cullen, who now had seemed to be visibly annoyed. Bella sensed it too. The biology teacher’s droned on and on. Edward glared a piercing glare at Bella and she glared back at him with the same kind of glare. When the teacher handed out the specimens, Edward passed them to Bella using a finger as if she was a leper. Their cold war continued and their surroundings disappeared. All each of them noticed was each other. Their glares got more ferocious. Both of them totally ignored the teacher’s explanation, their minds refusing to register the significance of his words. Finally, Edward made the last move. He hastily got out of his seat and barged out of the classroom, leaving a dumbfounded Bella behind. She followed him to the office, where she overheard an exasperated Edward pleading with the staff to change his class. Alas, it was a futile attempt. He turned around and stormed out of the room, glaring at Bella, who was stupefied.
Mine:
Bella walked briskly into the noisy biology class. The teacher warmly greeted her, “Bella, the new student? Ok then, sit there next to Edward.” His finger pointed to the only empty seat in the class which so happened to be next to the handsomely mysterious, dashing guy- Edward Cullen. Bella unwillingly took small feeble steps to the mysterious Edward Cullen, who now had seemed to be visibly annoyed. Bella sensed it too. As the biology teacher droned on and on, Edward glared a piercing glare at Bella and she did the same. When the teacher handed out the specimens, Edward passed them to Bella simply by using a finger as if she was a leper. Their cold war continued and it was as if their surroundings disappeared. All each of them noticed was each other. Their glares got more intense. Both of them totally ignored the teacher’s explanation, their minds refusing to register the significance of his words. Finally, Edward made his move. He hastily got out of his seat and barged out of the classroom, leaving a dumbfounded Bella behind. She followed him to the office where she overheard an exasperated Edward pleading with the staff to change his class. Alas, it was a futile attempt. He turned around and stormed out of the room, glaring at Bella once again, who was left all the more confused and visibly stupefied.
